I hate being, or being forced to be, introspective. I especially dislike it when God continues to hit you over the head with something about yourself that you don't want to hear....
Negativity
-That's my, "I don't want to hear it" word.
-It's funny how you go through life with this picture of yourself only to have someone tell you that what you are seeing is not the right picture.
-It's funny how you spend your whole life swearing that you won't be one way only to hear that that is exactly who you are.
-Tears, lots of tears.
-Prayer, lots of prayer.
-Confusion...how did I get this way?
-Anger...that someone pointed it out.
-Frustration...that it is always you that is the problem.
-Alone...how do you talk to others and not voice the frustrations that you have? How do you unburden yourself? When is it okay to gripe...once a week...once a month? What do you do when the one you want to talk to is the one that pointed out the fault?
-God...he just keeps showing me how true the words were...eventhough they hurt...and keeps on showing me.
-Study...a book that continues to hit on the very problem I'm having and giving me God's words to show me how my problem affects others.
-Tired...I'm just tired and feel "heavy."
-Avoidance...I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT! I DON'T WANT TO EXPLORE IT! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THE ANGER, FRUSTRATION, HURT AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF THAT GOES WITH CHANGING.
-Change...I really am like that. I have really been trying to see the blessings in my life...even if I have to dig it up from the bottom of the reserve sometimes.
-Change...I really am trying to speak positive words to all around me.
-Change...I really am blessed...I just had to open my eyes, work on overcoming some flaws from my raising and let the Lord show me his works right here in my home.
-a little one clinging to me 24-7 means that I am the center of his universe right now and he loves me unconditionally and feels safe and secure with me.
-a middle child who just wants attention amidst the chaos and my loving words and actions go a long way.
-the eldest child is growing into a wonderful young adult and we have an incredible friendship that I wouldn't trade for anything.
-a spouse who loves me regardless of my faults and gives loving correction when I need it...even if I don't want to hear it...and is my best friend.
Life gets so hectic that all I do is focus on the chaos instead of focusing on the eye of the storm...God. I just want to be all that he wants me to be but being someone different is scary, but I am thankful that for all of the faults that I have he still loves me enough to continue to help me change and become all I can be for His kingdom.
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5 comments:
brandi, brandi, brandi. . .what a great writer you are. . .i'm not sure what to say, except you are definitely not alone, and it is VERY hard to admit things about ourselves we don't like. . .you have been so open and honest, and that is so encouraging. don't stop!
We are all in this together.(can you hear the 'High School Musical' song in the background?) Thanks for being so transparent. Hang in there. And so glad our Bible study is applicable to our lives right now!!!
Ditto on the "not alone" comments! I've been frustrated noticing my own negativeity lately, and even though I try to focus on everything I'm thankful for (things are going great even), I still can't get out of the funk sometimes. It's good to know that others worry "introspectively" about the same things. We are "all in this together" (thanks, Caro for the corny song reference - ironically, Nine Inch Nails has a song by the same title if that's more cool).
So, thanks...and "hi" I'm no longer just a "blurker" at Adult No More. :)
You are an incredible woman...don't ever forget that. You have beauty, brains, and a wonderful spirit. Just keep it together for a few more years then when all your kids leave you can be free...and maybe even naked....lol
ok...they are going to kick you off of the internet if you don't post something soon....lol
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