Introspection

I hate being, or being forced to be, introspective. I especially dislike it when God continues to hit you over the head with something about yourself that you don't want to hear....

Negativity

-That's my, "I don't want to hear it" word.
-It's funny how you go through life with this picture of yourself only to have someone tell you that what you are seeing is not the right picture.
-It's funny how you spend your whole life swearing that you won't be one way only to hear that that is exactly who you are.
-Tears, lots of tears.
-Prayer, lots of prayer.
-Confusion...how did I get this way?
-Anger...that someone pointed it out.
-Frustration...that it is always you that is the problem.
-Alone...how do you talk to others and not voice the frustrations that you have? How do you unburden yourself? When is it okay to gripe...once a week...once a month? What do you do when the one you want to talk to is the one that pointed out the fault?
-God...he just keeps showing me how true the words were...eventhough they hurt...and keeps on showing me.
-Study...a book that continues to hit on the very problem I'm having and giving me God's words to show me how my problem affects others.
-Tired...I'm just tired and feel "heavy."
-Avoidance...I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT! I DON'T WANT TO EXPLORE IT! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THE ANGER, FRUSTRATION, HURT AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF THAT GOES WITH CHANGING.
-Change...I really am like that. I have really been trying to see the blessings in my life...even if I have to dig it up from the bottom of the reserve sometimes.
-Change...I really am trying to speak positive words to all around me.
-Change...I really am blessed...I just had to open my eyes, work on overcoming some flaws from my raising and let the Lord show me his works right here in my home.
-a little one clinging to me 24-7 means that I am the center of his universe right now and he loves me unconditionally and feels safe and secure with me.
-a middle child who just wants attention amidst the chaos and my loving words and actions go a long way.
-the eldest child is growing into a wonderful young adult and we have an incredible friendship that I wouldn't trade for anything.
-a spouse who loves me regardless of my faults and gives loving correction when I need it...even if I don't want to hear it...and is my best friend.

Life gets so hectic that all I do is focus on the chaos instead of focusing on the eye of the storm...God. I just want to be all that he wants me to be but being someone different is scary, but I am thankful that for all of the faults that I have he still loves me enough to continue to help me change and become all I can be for His kingdom.

Catch Up!

Well, this is the face we get everytime we talk about going to school. Then we get the fall on the floor, feet kicking fit to follow! He does this when he gets up and thankfully it is easing up a little every time. This morning he had the fit but then once we got to school he walked right in...had to bribe him with playing The Incredibles on the playstation when he gets home but....whatever works....right!?!!?!?!

Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Prov. 30:8

I'm sure that I've read this verse before and the Lord wasn't ready for me to learn this lesson but boy it really smacked me in the forehead this time. We are doing a bible study on contentment and I want that so badly. To just be happy in whatever situation I am in knowing that my Savior is taking care of things even when I can't see that. I guess it's just a lack of faith. It really struck me as funny the other day when I was doing laundry, when I can't find something or need to get a shirt out of the dryer and its at the bottom of the load, I will go, "Ok Lord, please show me where this is." and inevitably I will find it immediately. How silly is it that I have complete faith that He will show me where some stupid shirt, my keys or something the kids have lost is but I doubt him in the big things?! He has always been so faithful and proven his love for me over and over and over and still I find myself holding back. I want contentment. I want to be happy with just what I have. I don't want to want. I need my every happiness to be based on the love of my God and nothing else. I want to LEARN (as Paul put it) to be content. He didn't say that he prayed for it and God gave it to him. He said that it was a lesson that God wanted us to learn. Teach me Father.

Blessings

We started a new bible study last Thursday and our assignment (our books aren't in yet) was to put a blessing on this little card, that was wrapped like a present, and bring it with us to our next class. Ever since then I have been hit over and over again with the blessings in my life, so, since everyone else is into the list making mood, I thought I would make a blessings list...so happy that I have enough to make a list!!!!

1. Jordyn, she is growing into such an amazing person.
2. Jordyn can talk to me about anything.
3. Cooper is such a cutie pie and even though he can be frustrating he is always ready with a hug.
4. Boogie...what more do I need to say...he is adorable, funny, frustrating, funny, and a total type A personality.
5. I have an incredible husband that puts in long hours at work to support us and then comes home to go to baseball games and coach peewee football, and watch Jo cheer.
6. The weather! I absolutely love Fall!!!! Jeans, sweaters, football...all the best things in life.
7. My brother-in-law coming to visit. His last visit produced his surrender to Jesus, baptism and total life overhaul and it is a blessing to actually see the change in person.
8. Watching Ronny and Tommy play guitars together and sing. I cannot Not smile.
9. Ronny's dad coming to visit too and listening to him laugh so hard that he thinks he will have a heart attack.
10. Journey, totally taking in our extended family so that all they can say is how incredible everyone here is.
11. Doug and Diana. I could elaborate but there isn't enough space! (Bust a move, Baby!)
12. JB and Amy. Still isn't enough space.
13. Mike, Kristy and Abby. Giving Ronny and I a chance to just simply be together and not constantly going, "Riley get down." "Riley stop that!" "Riley come here!"
14. Jesus for all of the things that he has done but most importantly right now, bringing us here and giving us friendships that neither of us has experienced before and ones that will last a lifetime.